Children, college students and adults love Halloween for a number of different reasons. Adults attempt to live out childlike fantasies by creating some creepy graveyard scene in their front yard. Male college students have an excuse to dress like females, and females have an excuse to dress like sluts. It’s just how our world works. But why do children love Halloween? Well I would assume the answer is clear: candy! And once a year parents across the country say, “Let little Timmy indulge in all the candy he wants.” The problem is “little Timmy” isn’t so “little” anymore.
- You know what’s scarier than Halloween? Childhood obesity. The percentage of children aged 6-11 in the United States who were obese increased from 7% in 1980 to nearly 20% in 2008. And I can only assume this number has increased since that time. How’s that for scary? I did my part to combat childhood obesity by going to the gym on Halloween night – and I wore orange basketball shorts just to show some holiday spirit.
I’m surprised my parent’s home hasn’t gone into foreclosure based on the sheer volume of kids that wobble up my driveway on Halloween. Each year more and more children arrive at my door step, some of which aren’t even wearing costumes. Not only do they attempt to stick their stumpy little fingers into my candy bowl, they don’t even have the courtesy to say “trick-or-treat.” So how about a little trick of my own this year, buddy? No candy. And I’ll make the argument that my refusal to hand out candy represents my stance against childhood obesity. It’s a win-win situation for everyone – puts money back in my pocket and lowers your precious, little dumpling’s risk of heart disease and untimely death.
So how do I intend on avoiding the masses? I’m playing a game called “Everyone Is A Zombie But Me.” And it goes a little something like this:
- You are the survivor of a zombie outbreak that killed nearly everyone you know. You’ve survived this long because you’re physically fit; a result of having parents that didn’t allow you to overindulge on Halloween. Oh, how you hated them then, but don’t you appreciate them now?
- All trick-or-treating children and their parents are zombies. This scenario appears even more realistic because the majority of “treaters” are probably people from your neighborhood you hope to avoid on any given day anyway. Evade the zombies at all cost, or face having your flesh torn from your bones.
How to play:
1. Arrive home from work or school and avoid drawing attention to yourself. Headlights or loud radios are bound to attract the attention of hungry zombies.
2. Intentionally neglect to collect your garbage cans or mail, for this will trick the zombies into thinking that your residence is vacated.
3. Silently slip into the rear or side entrance of your home. Entering your home from the front door risks exposing your human ass to the hordes of zombies lurking on your street.
4. Upon entering your home, do not turn on any lights or brightly lit electronic devices. All expert zombie fanatics know zombies are attracted to lights and movement. That means no jack-o-lanterns either!
5. After settling in comfortably, prepare to live a lifestyle similar to that of an early American settler. No electricity, no electronic devices and no leaving for any reason!
6. Proceed to live this lifestyle late into the night – at least until 11 PM. To minimize the chances of exposing yourself, postpone all activities until the dawn of a new day. Take this time to catch up on some much needed sleep.
Following these instructions will ensure your survival. Failure to abide strictly by all of these guidelines will result in a full scale zombie attack on your residence – and the inevitable death of you and your family. I can only hope these tips reached you in time. Good luck and God’s speed.